GO AWAY BEFORE YOU GET RAN OVER.

the nurse who fills my anodyne machine came to my place this morning to fill my anodyne machine with the medication that the gynocologist who gave me my last pap smear prescribed me for the std i was told i had. she's seen the person who gave it to me at my apartment before and she asked me if i told him, i said, "well.. i tried to call him and message him on facebook and through text message and he still hasn't responded." then she shrugged her shoulders and said, "OH WELL! at least YOU are getting the proper treatment for it!" then i said, "yeah.. i tried to tell him. i did everything i could and i'm pretty sure he's the one who gave it to me since he's been the only one i've been with lately." ah well, i read and i hope i'm remembering right that after i take this treatment, it should go away in a few weeks. the pills taste nasty and they disolve in my mouth almost right away, so i gotta drink water quickly after the pill is in my mouth. it seems kinda weird that i can't see him anywhere and everytime i call the number i have on my phone- it says it's disconnected. ah well- i just gotta remove his presence from my memory considering he's not trying to talk to me after i was bitching about how i didn't wanna get up so late because i was volunteering somewhere the next day and he KNOWS i volunteer there and when. i just hope nothing bad happened to him.
my finger doesn't hurt anymore really but that big bump on the side of it is still there- so i've been icing it for 30 minutes while elevating it.. i think the doctor said to contact this specialist if the swelling doesn't go down by monday.
i've been thinking exactly why the fuck my mom is so damn convinced she can have any sort of affect on where i go. she never used to give a shit- she used to say, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO MOVE TO NEW YORK! IT'S YOUR LIFE! LIVE IT HOW YOU WANT!".. then fat amy and her flying monkey niece came around and they seem to think that someone that comes from the same place as them and went through HELL just to get here- that person should stay here because misery loves company and wtf gives me the right to live life the way i busted my ass off in college, rehab., and jobs (ALL OF THAT WITH A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY)?! THEY THINK THAT I BELONG ON THEIR LEVEL BECAUSE THEY FIND IT TOO FUCKING INCONVENIENT TO WORK AT THEIR OWN ABILITY WHEN THEY CAN JUST CLING TO PEOPLE ACTUALLY TRYING TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER!.. and spread their legs and have babies by men who make them welfare dependant. the day you assholes LIVE through SIX months in a coma and at least 20 years wheelchair dependant because your family likes the attention they get from having a HANDICAPPED RELATIVE- then maybe you can tell me exactly where the fuck i go. i didn't bust my ass off in rehab., college, and a few jobs JUST to remain depending on SOCIAL SECURITY for my uncaring, naive family's convenience. EVERY DAMN NIGHT DURING THE END OF MY GRANDMA'S LIFE, SHE USED TO SAY, "WHEN I'M GONE- AMANDA WILL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!" am i in new york? no.. EXACTLY ELEVEN YEARS AGO- SHE DIED TODAY. BECAUSE AMANDA COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS ABOUT ME OR HER CRAZY OLD AUNT! that's the translation i get from this. "YOU GOT THIS!".. no the fuck i don't. you're an idiot if you can't recognize that after eleven fucking years of not moving from this state- you still can't realize I DON'T HAVE THIS. you're definitely NOT as smart as my grandma thought you were. thanks. you've shown me exactly how much people could care less about me. and have just proved EXACTLY why i have absolutely NO desire to remain in this opportunity-less place where only my mom is happy because she can get away with being responsible for hurting her kids while playing victim AS USUAL. people wonder why i do half the shit i do- BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. i can't even get to a place where i'm truly satisfied to build because it's too fucking inconvenient for people who couldn't give a fuck about me- they just care that they look "loving" and "caring" to others. WELL YOU'RE NOT. HAVE A FUN TIME IN HELL. yes. i mean that with all the heart that i have left. fuck you all. selfish pricks. my stupid mom, her flying monkey, and fat amy. along with all you other assholes who can help me but it's too fucking inconvenient for you to care.
i'm volunteering for a memorial in tribute to philando castile tomorrow. it'll be fun. i always have fun volunteering for this. at least THAT should cheer me up tomorrow- being in a place where i actually feel useful- that's diverse and a positive happy experience. i'm making the best in this opportunity-less environment, staying as FAR AWAY from ignorant, negative pricks (that includes my racist family members who can't even answer the phone when i call them in the emergency room- I COULD BE DEAD.. if you didn't wanna fuckin take the responsibility of advocating and ACTUALLY HELPING me- you shouldn't have lied to your aunt about it). i find more opportunities the more diverse and accepting the environment is.. IMAGINE THAT! exactly why my mom will never come across opportunity because she's ignorant and she feels entitled.